If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "...that was fun!"-

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

A Death in the Family

Sarah went to work one morning upset. She was in tears
and very upset.

After several minutes, her boss called her in his office
and asked, "What is wrong, is there something I can do?"

She replied "My mother died."

The boss then said, "Why don't you go home, you need some
time off."

Sarah replied," No, I would like to stay, it will help
me keep my mind occupied."

The boss then replied, "OK, but if you should change your
mind, just let me know."

The day went on and all was going fairly smooth, when all
of a sudden, the boss heard Sarah sobbing loudly.
He went out to her desk and asked, "What has happened now?"

She replied, "My twin sister just called, and her mother
died too!"

Contributed by Dotty

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

An application - was for employment.

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out".

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

My daughter is your reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Missing:

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there." ...

ITALIAN PASTA DIET ...IT REALLY WORKS !!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also: For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Survival Logic

Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Getting Married in Heaven . . .

A couple decide to elope and get married but on the way to the Registry office they are involved in a fatal car crash.

They find themselves standing next to St Peter waiting to be let into Heaven.

While waiting for him to finalize the paperwork, the couple ask if it's possible for them to get married in Heaven.

"I don't know," says St Peter. "This is the first time I have ever been asked. Let me go and find out ."

After eight weeks waiting, St Peter returns and tells the couple that they can indeed get married, if they so wish.

However, during the long wait the couple have had time to think long and hard about their relationship and what might happen if the marriage doesn't work out (eternity is quite a long time after all).

So they ask St Peter if they can get divorced if it all goes wrong. St Peter goes red in the face and slams down his paperwork:

"Oh come on!" he shouts, 'It's taken me two months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages o f participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain. Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Heckle Me Harder

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

POLITICS

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

ARTHRITIS

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it!  Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

Be sure to click on the word " smile " at the end of this e-mail.    

(This has 2 parts: a list and at the end, something to open--enjoy!)

The most destructive habit.............................................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................................Giving
The greatest loss.............................................................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work................................................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait............................................Selfishness
The most endangered species.....................................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource........................................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm".......................................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome...............................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill.....................................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................................Excuses
The most powerful force in life.......................................Love

The most dangerous pariah..........................................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.........................The brain
The worst thing to be without... .................................... Hope

The deadliest weapon...................................................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................................."I Can"
The greatest asset..........................................................Faith

The most worthless emotion..........................................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire.................................................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.............................................Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!

This is one you'll like. Someone put in a lot of effort to compile this. Just click on the word "smile" below and get ready to enjoy.   

                                                                           SMILE

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stop to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I was in the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 5 models. I
saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market.  They're asking $950,000"

& gt; MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN:"Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the
locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks:
"Any of you guys know whose phone this is

Blonde paint job

Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

IDIOT AWARDS.

Number One Idiot of 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2004
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard  helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2004
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a  stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,  waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.  Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and  demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said," because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber  said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Five of 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously  waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he
probably figured it out himself.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2004
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would
be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor
store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on
videotape. Oh, that smarts.

Give him his sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2004
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Sign please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote: and guess what, they voted for Clinton and Kerry

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